As I’ve written before, I’m not in any way opposed to casual sex. Still, I think there are real problems with hookup culture. The Duke “sex list” that I wrote about yesterday gives some clues to what’s wrong with it.
First, too often the sex is just not very good for women. Karen Owen, the list’s author, raves about one guy – Subject 12 – who made sure she came first. This speaks volumes about what was likely lacking in her other encounters. But it’s not just her. I’ve heard innumerable stories from students who hooked up with (or refused) guys who were basically out to get serviced. Even if the guy is interested in mutual pleasure (and I think the majority of men are), he’s going to have to make a serious effort to get it right with a new partner if it’s only going to be a one night stand. He’s up against the orgasm gap, which is especially pronounced in younger women, as I wrote last spring.
Second, most of her hookups are drunken. She’s astonished when she discovers that sober sex can be pretty great. On “Subject 7″:
My second hookup with Subject 7 was an entirely new experience for me: a 100% sober booty call.
She enjoys it enough that they do it again. And again.
I don’t see anything wrong with having sex tipsy, some of the time. I’m not talking about the sort of inebriation that can result in sexual assault charges, just enjoying a drink or two – or at least having a pre-existing agreement, as a couple, that you’ll get drunk together and get naked. It’s hard to forge such an agreement if there’s no communication outside of bars and bedrooms, and it’s even harder in a one-night stand.
At any rate, it’s sort of sad if sober sex is a novelty. Here, too, I see a lot of students stuck in the same rut. Everyone relies on liquid courage. As long as that’s your only mode of interaction, you’re going to miss out on a lot of fun. (Maybe that’s where a Powerpoint presentation is useful – in jogging one’s memory?)
Owen also seems to view sex as being about conquest to a degree that feels highly transactional to me. The “subjects” are always described in terms of their alpha status. Lacrosse/baseball/soccer player. Good looking. Aggressive. While Owen also talks about who manages to be entertaining, these various status markers overshadow their personalities in most instances. Again, this is unsurprising. Because of its emphasis on surface traits, hookup culture is far better suited to assessing (and advertising!) status markers than it is to promoting mutually joyful, rewarding sex.
I do think it’s possible to have casual sex that’s not transactional. The obvious prerequisite for this is respect, an ability to see your potential partner as a full-fledged human being, and a sincere interest in your partner’s pleasure as well as your own. This is easier to achieve if you’re at least acquaintances before you begin.
It’s telling that Owen’s best sex was, apparently, also the least transactional, with the aforementioned Subject 12. He’d floated under her radar because he’d been in a relationship. Also, he evidently wasn’t her physical type, because the few times he’d been out to the bars she hadn’t noticed him. Significantly, they didn’t meet in a bar; they were hanging out with friends.
There’s some real sweetness in this story. Yes, they were hungover in the morning, but they hadn’t been sloshed, and they had no regrets by daylight – just more helpings of what they’d had the night before. What if hookup sex routinely ended this way? Well, most likely, there’d be a lot more hookups that segue into other sorts of relationships. For sure, there’d be fewer people just using their partner to get off, and a lot more having good, real sex.
Owen’s out in the “real world” now, beyond the comfy nest of Duke, and lying low while the hubbub over her list dies down. But for all of my students, male and female alike – I hope they’re having fun this weekend. I hope they’re being safe. And I hope, for those who do hook up, a “Subject 12″ experience, brimming with mutual lust, good humor, and a sense of truly being appreciated.
Patron cat of Kittywampus (1985-2001)
What do you think about her critieria:
To be honest, it doesn’t sound like she was much interested in the guys’ pleasure either. I think with casual sex this often cuts both ways: both people are in it primarily for their own sake.
As someone who has experienced a great deal of sex that was a severe let-down to me despite me coming, I’m also not entirely sure the “orgasm gap” is the main factor in why guys may seem more satisfied with casual sex than women.
I’m guessing that part of it is the “women possess it, men want it” attitude that our culture has about sex. Men are generally going to feel like they’ve gotten something out of sex, even if in reality they may well not have.
I also really agree with your saying that most men are interested in mutual pleasure. I would, in fact, take it even further and say that most men see the ability to please (or “satisfy”) a woman in bed as being critical to “being a man”. To the point, in fact, that some women fake orgasms because their partner will be hurt otherwise.
Unfortunately the popular idea of what is important for pleasing women is not necessarily accurate, and (like similar tropes about pleasing men sexually) treats women as a monolith who all respond similarly to the same things.
I also think her sample of men (due to being skewed heavily towards outwardly “alpha male” types, since that was apparently what she was looking for) is probably very non-representative. I don’t think it’s coincidence that her best hookup was with someone she didn’t notice at first.
Hmm. Perhaps I should have actually read the description of subject 12, instead of just reading what you noted about him.
In any case, he does seem to fit the alpha-male criteria. So my observation seems a bit baseless.
I think she just validated everything PUAs say about where women’s free sexual choice will lead if totally unrestrained by culture, towards a small minority of de-facto harem-keeping Alpha Males, and you have the only feminist blog that has even noticed this aspect of her choice, as she is not particularly athletic, the status game must have had primacy. I suppose personal preferences can be shaped by culture, such as the preference of a few women at Duke for bookish, or arty men, which must after all be learned somewhere. The silence in the feminist blogosphere on her “Alpha” preference is telling, as is how her “near-blackout drunk hookup” has been considered an example of sexual liberation.
I was waiting for some feminist somewhere to pick up on this (and frankly I had my money on this place, Clarisse Thorn, or Ethcofem).
For all the types of men out there I find her fairly narrow choice in men to be interesting. Not saying that she is obligated to have casual sex with all types of men but I can’t help but think about how feminists complain about male geeks only having eyes for the popular girls to the point of ignoring the nonpopular girls that may have eyes for them.