Every once in a while, I hear childfree-by-choice people emphasize that they’re not anti-child; they just enrich the lives of kids by being actively involved with nieces and nephews, or they teach, or they volunteer for Big Brothers/Big Sisters. All of that is essential to keeping the lives of parents and kids afloat, and I’m not dissing it in any way. I think it’s wonderful. It’s lifesaving, in fact. I’m also 100% supportive of the decision not to reproduce. It’s really not for everyone – including a substantial fraction of those who’ve chosen (or stumbled into) parenthood.
But every once in a while someone says that their contribution to society’s future is equal to that of parents because they do some volunteer work with kids – and thus want to claim educational or health benefits equal to those of parents that they could then assign to a beneficiary of their choice – and if not, then no one should get such benefits. I balk at such arguments. In an ideal world, all humans ought to have such benefits, decoupled from their jobs, but as long as they adhere to employment status, then parents do have a special claim to including their kids under those bennies.
My argument for this boils down to this: “Kid puke.” I have lots of recent evidence for this, but since no browser supports scratch’n'sniff technology, you’ll just have to use your fertile imagination.
Because it’s only parents as a rule (occasionally grandparents) who are available to those kids 24/7. It’s only parents who clean up a trail of barf leading down the slide of a child’s cute bed from Ikea, who roll up the terminally soiled carpet and trundle it out to the garbage, and who attempt to decontaminate not just the floor but an amazing array of vertical surfaces. I say “parents” advisedly, because this is not a one-person job … and if it is, that partnership is either moribund or already dead. Surely solo barf clean-up has got to be one of the hardest jobs in single parenthood.
And yes, I knew this was part of the job description before i signed on to motherhood, but that doesn’t make it easy, trivial, or fun. That also won’t help me fall asleep. My ear is cocked for the next round. I know I need to sleep since the new quarter starts tomorrow, and I should be fresh and quick-witted. Instead I’ll probably sway and shuffle into the classroom and hope that my students are chatty.
I’ve got more to say on the differences between parenthood and other caretaking in a serious vein. But something about inhaling those fumes makes it hard to be philosophical or reflective.
Patron cat of Kittywampus (1985-2001)
But every once in a while someone says that their contribution to society’s future is equal to that of parents because they do some volunteer work with kids
I don’t have kids, but I do have kids in my life, and I think anyone who could say this is either A) flat-out lying or B) delusional. The puking is a big part of why no one “in a child’s life” fills a role quite like that a of a parent, but there are other bodily functions that make it so: the feeding, the bathing, the acquisition of new clothes when they are needed, the concern about bad skin as puberty is entered, etc. No one else notices their children’s physical existences the way parents do, and that translates into a vast array of psychological and emotional interactions that MEAN SOMETHING. I know this now as someone who has taught high school and college and done lots of babysitting. I know this now as an adult with 15 nieces and nephews, my nieces and nephews know it, and so do their parents. I knew it three and four decades ago as a child myself, even as I sought out adults to help provide things my parents (who were still good parents) couldn’t and wouldn’t. It’s fatuous and dishonest to argue otherwise.
Yes, and then there are the really big worries that parents sometimes have – the worries about long-term health and development. This latest virus is really trivial by comparison. And actually those bigger worries are partly what motivated this post. My sister’s daughter has had a rough couple of months, and while the outlook is pretty good now, they still have to wait and see. I’d like to write about that, actually, if I can find a way to do it that’s neither intrusive to them nor all about me – in the meantime, the mercifully short saga of the Bear’s GI bug will have to do!
You make an important point, though, that *kids* need adults who are actively in their lives but aren’t their parents. It’s important for balance and gives the parents some respite. Also, as Hysperia commented here some months ago, adolescents really need a confidant or two who’s outside the parent-child relationship. No adult can do it all and I am deeply grateful for the other adults in my kids’ lives.
That is the perfect counterargument. Elegant in its simplicity.
Though, I can’t be objective. I really can’t. I am so fulfilled by motherhood that I can’t understand that choice to be childless. The love I feel. They just don’t understand, I think. Maybe it’s the other way around. Just owning my bias.
Laura, I do understand the choice. I know there are different paths to fulfillment for different people. There is a multitude of ways to serve. I think there are lots of ways to feel profound love, including the love we feel for our own parents and the practical carework we may do for them as they grow older. It’s just that there’s no other responsibility or relationship that’s quite so all-encompassing as that of parent to child.
I love my children more than anything. They also drive me more crazy than anything. These are not unrelated sentiments, I suspect!
You have my sympathy.
There’s another side too – only parents have to keep on parenting when they themselves are constantly puking. If kids are just ‘in your life’ you can take time off from them when you’re ill. A recent round of gastro at my house reminded me once again that this ‘job’ has no sick leave. The only thing worse than cleaning up your kid’s vomit alone is cleaning up your own as well, afterwards. (Actually it was my partner who had to do that. I was too busy lying in bed groaning at the time.)
Thanks! You’ve just expressed one of the biggest reasons I’m grateful to have a partner in parenting. If everyone’s sick at once, there’s at least a chance that one parent or the other might be somewhat functional.
And this is also why it’s hard not to live near grandparents. My mom is able to help my sister in these minor crises. With me, she’s flown thousands of miles on a couple of occasions, but they were bigger crises. One time, my husband was gone, my baby was dehydrated from a GI thing, and my back went out in a big way. The next time my husband was critically ill in the hospital and we had two little ones by then. And she also came to help when my husband had major surgery a couple of years ago. So she has been wonderful – it’s just hard not to have her within close range.
You’ve got my sympathy, too!