Last fall, the topic of girls kissing girls for boys’ jollies came up in one of my Intro to Women’s and Gender Studies sections. I’m still perplexed at how we landed there on the very first day of class, but hey, there we were. So I asked the group, which was about 90% freshmen, how many of them had seen girls kiss girls at parties just to titillate the guys.
Each and every one of my 40 students raised their hands. For me, it was one of those moments where the students school the teacher. Srsly.
I think I had the presence of mind to ask how many had seen two guys kiss for the same reason. (Zero hands? It’s a blur, I was a bit shellshocked.) In the moment I really could have used this video:
via Sociological Images, posted with vodpod
I was struck most by the scene from Grey’s Anatomy, where the odious and (in my view) perfectly unsexy Dr. McSteamy personifies the male gaze. Very soon thereafter, Callie traded in her oh-so-slightly-butch lover, Dr. Erica Hahn, for a frilly, chirpy gal in pediatrics.
I’d like to rewrite all these scenes with Homer Simpson as the spectator. Then we might be able to talk seriously about the level of dipshittery required for women to use other women to snag a man, who is in turn manipulated by a total cliche. It’s a whole universe of userdom for both genders, where women’s real desires are subordinated to the purely transactional, and the man is believed to be about as bright as … well, Homer Simpson.
Patron cat of Kittywampus (1985-2001)
I’m going to say that this situation also feeds into the bi-phobia from both hetero- and homosexual people.
Yes. One ways it does this is by suggesting “bisexuals” – which most of these girls and women are not, at least on the level of self-identification – are fickle and capricious. If you’ve got more thoughts on this, I’d like to hear them.
I’ve got a post working in my draft pile. But then, I have quite a few of those, so we’ll see if it comes to fruition.
Yeah, I know about that draft pile. I’ve got stuff in there that’s over a year old – never know when it might still blossom into a post. I hope you’ll finish this one!
… Huh. That actually happens? I always thought it was one of those things Fox News made up to scare parents. Of course, the side effect of being friends with all the nerds is that it would take fifty naked girls having an orgy to distract them from Halo.
There are guys who make out for girls’ enjoyment, although perhaps not quite as many; Google “emo boys kissing.”
Oh, Fox News loves to scare parents. But yeah, this really does happen. I wouldn’t have been surprised if a class full of college juniors and seniors had reported seeing it in person. But these kids were fresh out of high school. The good news is that high schools seem to be less scary places to be out for kids who aren’t heterosexuals, compared to my experiences circa 1980 when *everyone* was in the closet. The bad news is that a substantial number of high school girls seem to have already internalized the idea that their sexuality is a show put on for the pleasures of boys and men.
I’d never heard of “emo boys kissing.” Just googled it. Am wondering how common it is in the Ohio suburbs (where most of my students come from). And whether asking about it on the first day of class will break the ice – or shut discussion down for the rest of the term??
I’m bisexual and I have never kiss girls just to get attention or reactions from people around me.
I don’t do what I do (when I do it) to look hot or gain attention. I do it out of lust or attraction. The girls who aren’t actually attracted to girls that do it just to look sexy, gain attention, etc annoy the hell out of me.
I promise I won’t rant about this subject in your comments though even if I’d like to, heh. Great post.
Oh, go ahead – rant away! You have every right to be annoyed. I’d be happy for you to say more.
There is so much deliberate performance of “bisexuality” that it’s nearly impossible for actual, real-life bisexuals to see themselves fairly represented. Ten to fifteen years ago, bisexuals were mostly invisible; they either were perceived as homosexual (if in a same-sex relationship) or tended to “pass” as heterosexual (if in a relationship with an opposite-sex partner). That wasn’t so great, either. But now the “visibility” of “bisexuals” is a thoroughly fake image – always female, always young, always “hot.” I’m not sure that’s any improvement.
Another “actual” bisexual chiming in here… I could also rant plenty. There used to be a group of people I spent a fair amount of time with, and I was out with them, and I found it very telling that the women who would entertain the men by making out with eachother, would only do so with other straight women. Other young, thin, “hot”, straight women.
When we first started spending time together, I was presenting as very femme and was not out, and I did sometimes get kissed, but over the course of several years as I started presenting more butch, and was out to more and eventually all of them, I became off limits to them. Not that I minded, because eeeew, but still. It was like, don’t make out with her, she might actually like it.
I’m glad that I found other people to hang out with.
Yeah, the “hotness” seems to be mandatory. Thanks for helping put to rest the misconception that this is mostly about actual experimentation (which I think is great), not entertaining the menz (which I think is dubious, outside of a give-and-take situation where the man or men is also giving pleasure).
It really does sound like it was time for a new group of friends! I’m glad you found them.
I think by heading straight to moral outrage, you’re maybe over-simplifying. Why do you assume that the women who are doing this have *no* interest in other women? Sure, they may not identify as bi…but it seems likely that they are getting something out of the experience themselves. Surely, for a lot of them, it’s a way to experiment without having to declare as bi; the guys being there makes it safely het.
It’s still in the context of a certain level of homophobia and disavowal of course, which probably isn’t ideal, but it doesn’t have to be only about manipulating or even referencing men.
NB, I don’t assume that every woman who does this has no same-sex interest. But my students who tell me about these scenes are pretty unanimous in explaining that it’s a performance and all about the guys. You’re right that the prevalence of it, and its framing as “hawt” for men to watch, provides some cover for experimentation. So some individual women may make use of that cover, but I’d be surprised if they’re a majority or even a sizable minority.
I wouldn’t characterize my response as moral outrage. I have no problem with people performing consensual acts, if they really want to, with the exception of those that are clearly framed as degrading and humiliating. (That last point warrants a post of its own, which I’ll write if I can find the time.) But the catch is, “if they really want.” Girls are already pushed hard to frame their own desires in the context of what will please boys and men. It’s perfectly OK to get off on a partner’s desire; that’s part of what makes sex so wonderful. But it needs to be a mutual thing. If one person’s behavior is all about pleasing the other, and has little relation to her own intrinsic desires, then it becomes a form of alienation from one’s own desires and pleasures. That’s a real loss, and it’s one that girls are encouraged to embrace in a way that boys are not.
So I’m not being moralistic here. I’m not saying it’s wrong to kiss someone casually or to engage in PDA. I’m saying it’s harmful when a whole class of people is strongly encouraged to act out fantasies for another class of people, irrespective of their own desires.
See also Amorous Rocker’s point, above, about how actual bisexual women tend to act.