Ersatz Fireworks, Palin Edition

So the Fourth of July is already somewhat surreal when you’re outside of the U.S. We’d hatched a scheme for viewing fireworks anyway at the German-French friendship fair, which is basically a carnival with good wine and Brie, but yet another thunderstorm washed out that plan.

The kids wept and railed. Me, I’m contenting myself with the fireworks that Sarah Palin’s resignation has touched off. Here are a few of my favorite gems:

At Alas, Jeff Fecke writes:

But it wasn’t just Palin’s phrasing that was odd. It was her whole manner. The speech sounds as if she gave it after consuming six Red Bulls and four pots of coffee …

I noticed the same effect, but my first thought was Ritalin or Adderall, thinking of Lynette’s addiction on Desperate Housewives. But enough Red Bull would do the trick, too.

While googling for the background on Palin’s resignation, my husband found a new-to-me Palin conspiracy site, Palin’s Deceptions. It was founded by a childbirth educator named Audrey who was as incredulous as I that Palin would board a plane after her water broke. It’s an amusing read – and pretty convincing, too:

I can accept – and always have – that someone in Palin’s position might try to give the speech. MIGHT, though the image of an amniotic fluid “leak” turning into a full-fledged rupture while on stage certainly would have dissuaded me personally. (If you wonder what I’m talking about, dump approximately one and a half quarts of yellowish pinkish kinda funky smelling liquid between YOUR legs all at once. Now picture this happening WHILE giving a speech to other governors. Hmmm. Sort of wrecks the professional aura, doesn’t it?)

But no one will ever convince me – ever! – that the image-conscious governor of Alaska risked having to lie down in public, spread her legs, and grunting and panting in a messy puddle of amniotic fluid, mucous, blood, urine and possibly either the baby’s excrement, her own, or both, push her baby out on the carpet in the aisle. Risked her own health and her baby’s. Risked the public criticism she would have come under for inconveniencing hundreds of other passengers. And taken this chance not once, but twice, on two separate four hour flights.

I’m mostly agnostic on whether Trig really is Palin’s baby (though quite sure he’s not Bristol’s). But darn it, why didn’t Palin just produce the birth certificate? Assuming her story is true, Audrey’s picturesque description show why flying back to Alaska was an exercise in hubris.

And speaking of fluids, here’s my favorite quote from Palin’s valedictory:

It would be apathetic to just hunker down and “go with the flow”.

Nah, only dead fish “go with the flow”.

And the most mathematically inexplicable section of her speech:

In fact, this decision comes after much consideration, and finally polling the most important people in my life – my children (where the count was unanimous… well, in response to asking: “Want me to make a positive difference and fight for ALL our children’s future from outside the Governor’s office?” It was four “yes’s” and one “hell yeah!” The “hell yeah” sealed it – and someday I’ll talk about the details of that…

Um, she’s got five kids, but Trig isn’t old enough to say yes. Even a typically developing 15-month-old wouldn’t be able to comprehend Palin’s question. So maybe his response was the “hell yeah”? That would indeed be a detail worth sharing. Or was the First Dude suddenly demoted to one of the children?

Shannyn Moore, the Alaskan blogger who’s long been dogging Palin, had the funniest take on her speech:

I have said Sarah Palin’s political ambition combined with her intellect is like putting a jet engine on a golf cart; lots of horse power and no steering capabilities. Today she proved it.

Finally, I noticed that I wasn’t the only one daydreaming that Palin could be tripped up by a sex scandal.  Virginia Rutter at Girl with Pen and the Political Cat both entertained similar fantasies. I actually think The Sex is the least likely scenario. Shannyn Moore says Palin is facing an “iceberg scandal” that’s apparently financial in nature, and I have faith in Moore based on her track record. I also think that Palin’s ambition is probably far larger than her libido. Still, a gal can dream.